Ho, Ho, Ho, I'm Regrowing My Foreskin!

Doctor Warns Of Damaging Effects Child Obesity Having On Mall Santas | Onion Now: Focus

Wrongly Convicted Death Row Inmate Exonerated Mere Hours After Execution | Onion News Network

Data Mining Has Created A World Where Everyone Is For Sale. But Could It Also Have A Downside?

College Student Explains What Its Like To Be First In Family Forced To Drink Own Urine In Frat House

Study: More Americans Buying Firearms To Defend Selves From Toddlers Who Found Their Guns

Cash-Strapped Subway Threatens To Reveal Identities Of Customers Who Eat Subway If They Don’t Pay

Taylor Swift Arrested On Weapons Charges After Federal Agents Raid Tour Bus | Onion News Network

Expert Explains Why, Essentially, You’re Fucked | Onion Now: Focus

Neo-Nazi Pulls Off Surprise Victory In Long-Held KKK District | Onion News Network

ELECTION ALERT: Still Too Early To Know Which Minority To Scapegoat | Onion News Network

Election Touchscreen Map Takes Deeper Look Inside Key Swing Voter | Onion News Network

The Elderly Vote | American Voter

New Trump Ad Shows Montage Of People He’ll Kill If Elected | Onion News Network

The Immigrant Vote | American Voter

U.S. Deploys Socially Awkward Men Along Border To Deter Migrants | Onion News Network

The One Percent | American Voter

Conservative Man Proudly Frightened Of Everything | Onion Now: Focus

‘New York Times’ To Cease Publication

Trump Vows To Outlaw Electricity To Secure Powerful Amish Vote | Onion News Network

Voters Warned Ballots Flushed Down Toilet Will No Longer Be Counted | Onion News Network

Mayor Explains Why He Changed City Named After Slave-Owning Founder To Salami Town

JD Vance Under Fire For Resurfaced Remarks Criticizing Childless Children | Onion News Network

God's Penis Visible In Night Sky For First Time In Millennia | Onion News Network

9/11 Truther Questions Why There Were Two Huge Bullseyes Painted On Side Of Twin Towers

The Onion Reviews 'The Fast And The Furious'

Activist Explains Initiative To Provide Safe Housing To Electric Scooters

Join America’s Finest Membership

Man Can’t Believe How Much Disney World Charging For Sex With Goofy

Female Competitive Drowner Explains Why Trans Athletes Should Not Compete In Competitive Drowning

The Onion Film Standard: Deadpool & Wolverine

Special Orders Chefs Hate The Most And Why

Hobby Lobby Announces It Muslim Now

Women Explain How They’d Like To Have Their Bodies Restricted Next

Zelensky Challenges Putin To Settle Ukraine War On The Dance Floor

Secret Service Finds Biden Attempting To Dig Own Grave On White House Lawn

Disney Unveils New Mass Grave Where Fans Can Be Buried Alive With Favorite Characters Forever

First Neuralink Implant Recipient Successfully Performs Depraved Sexual Acts On Elon Musk

Elon Musk Rushed To Hospital After Attempting To Impregnate Toaster

Florida Names Penis As Official State Genital

Triumphant Biden Announces U.S. Has Killed Man Who Kind Of Looks Like Osama Bin Laden

AI Explains Why Humans Have Nothing To Worry About As Their Extermination Will Be Swift And Painless

Alabama Middle Schooler Jailed After Taking Basketball Back Out From Under Her Shirt

No One Wanted This Poor Dog Because He Was A Registered Sex Offender, But He Found A Home With Me

Gun Owner Explains Why He Needs Weapon To Protect Self From Gun He Currently Holding To Own Head

Biden Announces Plans For Extra PlayStation 5 Controller In Case Someone Visits Nation

White Woman Explains Why As An Anti-Racist Ally She Refuses To Say Any Word That Starts With 'N'

Jan. 6 Rioters Explain Why They Stormed The Capitol

Nation's Single Friends Announce Plans To Just Sort Of Stand There While Couples Kiss On New Year's

Ho, Ho, Ho, A Cabal Of Elite Pedophiles Is Trying To Kill Me!

How To Tell Your Mom You’re Not Coming Home For The Holidays

Mother Shares How Video Games Radicalized Her Son To Run Around And Pick Up Coins

Supreme Court Rules Anyone Who Had Abortion Under Roe Must Be Re-Impregnated

Ex-FDA Official Confirms Existence Of Vegetables

22 Golden Bachelor Contestants Announce Pregnancies

Target Now Offering Snipers To Take Out Other Shoppers For Black Friday

Jada Pinkett Smith Announces She's Pregnant With Chris Rock’s Baby

Scientist Explains How Climate Crisis Would Be Averted If Greta Thunberg Just Tried A Little Harder

Honor Our Troops By Watching Over This Sleeping Soldier

Police Officer Explains Why The Intoxicating Rush Of Murder Should Always Be A Last Resort