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Mean Automakers Dash Hope For Flying Cars
The Onion
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Ninja Parade Slips By Town Unnoticed Once Again
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NASCAR Coach Reveals Winning Strategy: Drive Fast
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Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot
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Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful To Monkeys
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China Celebrates Status As Number One Polluter
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Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times
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Human Head Found In Hamburger
Domino's Tests Limits Of What Humans Will Eat
2:10
The Beijing Olympics - Are They A Trap?
2:12
Meteorologists Predict Worst Autumn Ever
3:32
NASA Simulator Preps Astronauts For Larry King Interview
2:46
Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard
2:18
Weather Channel Accused of Pro-Weather Bias
3:29
Bratz Dolls May Give Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size
3:09
Today Now! Host Starts Charity To Rid World Of Flying Debris
Children Exposed To Porn May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable
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NHL Woos Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line
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2:30
U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt
2:16
Ex-Pedophile Shares Tips On How To Make Your Kids Less Attractive
Google Opt Out Feature Lets Users Protect Privacy By Moving To Remote Village
2:50
Sudden Ominous Music Heard Across U.S., Nation Panicking
2:14
VH1 Reality Show Bus Crashes In California Causing Major Slut Spill
2:28
Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk
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Today Now!:Finding Masculine Halloween Costumes For Your Effeminate Son
2:38
NASA Scientists Plan To Approach Girl By 2018
How Will The End Of Print Journalism Affect Old Loons Who Hoard Newspapers?
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Crime Reporter: Man Had Sex With Wife Thousands Of Times Before Killing Her
2:02
Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere
2:51
Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'
Newsroom : Congress Announces Plan To Hide Nation's Porn From Future Generations
2:42
Report: Baby Skull Jewelry May Be Linked To Violence
2:32
Incredibly Sexy Firefighter Tragically Dies In Steamy Blaze
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'The Cressbeckler Stance' -- Coming Soon To The Onion News Network
3:57
Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show
3:13
Al-Qaeda Calls Off Attack On Nation's Capitol To Spare Life Of 'Twilight' Author
1:49
Obama Replaces Costly High-Speed Rail Plan With High-Speed Bus Plan
1:11
Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation's Idiots
1:54
Judge Rules White Girl Will Be Tried As Black Adult
This Day In History: The Invention Of The Handjob
2:48
Al Qaeda Attacks Internet With Photo Of Adorable Piglet
2:25
Today Now! Interviews The 5-Year-Old Screenwriter Of "Fast Five"
3:05
In The Know: Should The Nation's Unemployed Be Buying New Apple Computers?
2:35
America's Waitresses: Are They Hitting On You?
2:29
Many Doctors Say It's 'High' Time To Legalize Marijuana (Season 1: Ep 3 on IFC)
1:46
Shelby Cross Takes On Public Indecency By Videotaping Teens Having Sex (Season 1: Ep 7 on IFC)
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New Psychedelic Weight Loss Drug Transforms Food Into Monstrous Hallucinations
New Robot Warns When Someone's About To Walk In On You Masturbating
2:20
Autistic Reporter, Michael Falk, Enchanted By Prison's Rigid Routine
1:48
Celebrity Chef Ted Allen Cooks His Favorite Pretentious Foodie Bullshit Meal
3:10
Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized
0:36
FDA Official: "Just Eat A Goddamn Vegetable"
3:17
Al Qaeda Populating U.S. With Peaceful 'Decoy Muslims'
2:58
Congress Forgets How To Pass A Law
2:01
Shelby Cross Warns Women Self-Defense Classes "A Trap"
3:02
Nike Releases New Olympic Track Suits Designed To Limit Penis Wind Resistance
1:44
New Ad Urges Hipsters To Go To Applebee's Ironically
Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities
Tidal Pools: Nature's Putrid Sewers - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 3
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Cheap, Clean Natural Gas: Earth's One Good Feature - Horrifying Planet - Ep. 6
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DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack
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Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization
DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico
Report: Most College Males Admit To Regularly Getting Stoked
2:40
Truck Accident That Killed Rafters in Canyon Sparks Truck-Canyon-Rafter Reform Debate
Girl Raised From Birth By Wolf Blitzer Taken Into Protective Custody
Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister
New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'
1:24
Law Prohibits Nation's Shawnas From Using Tanning Beds
1:19
AFAJP Celebrity Testimonials
I'm Just a Bill Parody | Follow The Money | TakePart
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1:26
New Study Shows That Bones Are Incredibly Cool
1:29
Horrified Subway Execs Assumed People Were Buying Footlongs To Share With A Friend
James Holmes' Arraignment Delayed As Court Struggles To Remember Which Mass Shooter He Is
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The Onion's Tips For Succeeding As A Woman In The Workplace
